My Way..

Selfish

I was fired before I knew I was expecting a junior, I'm currently 15 weeks, I'm bored staying at home, I cannot get a job because no one will take in a pregnant woman.

All I'm asking is to for a 1 week break back to the place I grew up for some cravings that couldn't satisfy me here and before my tummy is too big to travel.

I know it requires you to take a few days of your already negative annual leave but isn't marriage is about compromising? I wont be seeing my family and go back to my hometown until next year and this is really important to me.

You will never understand how I felt because this is your home and everyone related to you are here..

I will not

I have to write this down somewhere. I don't want it to be in my heart thought I know it always will. At least a part of it will be here forever.

I'm not telling what and who and how and when but all I want to say is, all my life I never knew what it feels like to hate someone because I don't like the feeling hatred and I believe everything can be forgiven and find its own solution.

I will never forgive and forget what you've done. I thought you were nice. Yes you were but only under certain circumstances. I saw the other side of you and I saw an evil person.

Thank you for being the first. I will never be the same because of you. You made me realised how evil and fake a person can be. You made the most important day in my life less perfect when it should have been perfect.

You will never replace anyone in my life because you are not them and you never will be.

I was taught not to hold grudge towards anyone but trust me, this is the only grudge I will hold till the day I step into my grave.

Choice

There's no right or wrong in life, its just choices. Is that right?

I don't know how else and what else I should do to please you. Now I finally know getting married is not about the 2 of us, its about the 2 families. I don't know what triggered you to cry in front of all the relatives that night about your son moving out issue.. But I know those tears are real. I know you are sad, you're afraid because all your life you only focus on your son. Your daughter is already a gone case and you put all you hope on your son. Hoping that he will stay with you after he got married and you can see him everyday.

Maybe I'm not a mum yet, I won't know how it felt if things like this happened to me. I'm sure every mum will feel unhappy too, it's gonna take a while to accept, but I think what triggers you is the fact that now your life is left with total emptiness because you don't have many friends, you got no hobby, all your life is just about your son. In other words you took really well care of him. Now that I'll be doing what you have been doing, in a way I'm stealing your son away..

I did feel bad too. But what can I do? I'm not in a very good shape too. Not only did your life changed. My life has changed completely too. Things will NEVER be the same. I'm not saying I've already accepted my new life here, I'm trying my best because I know I had to. I hope you will feel the same too.. Be glad that you are just staying 6 blocks away from your son.. not a few thousand miles...

Thank you.. and sorry..

Hey dad,

I don't know what else should I say to thank you for all that you've done for me and Dan. I'm holding my tears now because I'm in the office and I don't wanna explain and embarrass myself in front of everyone.

Almost every time after I spoke to you, I wanna cry. It happened so naturally that I felt really guilty for taking so much of your money to just pay the downpayment for a tiny apartment here where its equivalent to the property price of a really nice condo back in KL.

I'm sorry for making you sell off one of your property which you have been collecting rental from.. I'm sorry for moving so far away from home which I know you are very sad and broke your heart and make you really disappointed with me.

All my life, I don't have to worry about anything.. I really mean anything. We are not very rich but you never let us worry about anything before. Even when I get into trouble, someone will sort out for me.. you are one of them. All I have to worry is who I'm gonna marry..

I know being married to Dan is not who you expect me to marry. But I hope you know that I chose him because I really love him and I know you have no doubts about my choice. You're just worried that am i able to survive in HK while you're so far away and couldn't watch and help me like you always do.. Don't worry dad.. I can survive here.. You and mum taught me well.

Hello world

Has it been 3 months since I left home already?

So much has happened. really too much to mention here.

But I'm good. Trying my very best to cope with my new life.

No worries whoever who's reading this.

Whatever

For the first few weeks in HK, I was really happy but now.. I'm not sure.

The problem now is I cannot blame anyone for all that has happened.

I'm tired of asking and asking and keep asking for things that I want which won't happen.

I don't think there will be any surprise.

I don't think I will be surprise if there's any.

I'm so bored and I just wanna go home..

Jobless

I'm officially jobless for 1 whole month, hahaha.. I don't know what was I doing. The first few days was kinda boring but eventually I get the hang of it, of being doing nothing.

I was busy watching series, True Blood, Heroes and TVB series, movies, finish up my unfinished keroro comic, books and etc etc.

Oh ya, and I officially missed my flight to Melbourne which is yesterday, congratulations. I shall book again for next year.

I can't wait for August, to see my bf and gonna live in HK for 2 months, the longest of all trip! SO excited how everything is gonna be like!

Last day

I sent out email informing all my clients about my resignation on Thursday evening. On Friday morning, I received calls from them. Everyone kept asking me the same question, why, where, when etc etc. I know, I will be missed and of course for sure I will miss working with all of you. In a way, I'm sad because I'm leaving the company though its not the best company ever. I'm really touched when some clients actually offer some contacts they have in HK to me.. Thanks. I really appreciate that. In other way I'm happy too because I'm about to step on a journey of no turning back, a brand new chapter of my life.

I'll be facing life with months of not working, not having income and living on my savings. Honestly, that scares me. It still does. But like what I've said to myself thousand times over and over again, don't look back and respect my own decision.

I celebrated my last day with 2 of my colleagues and a voice talent. I'm really grateful for the Thai dinner she bought us. Like what she said, how often do I quit my job.. hahaha.. It was really really good. This place is out of no where in Sg Buloh with factories and villages in there. I'm surprise how she can even find that place. On our way back, I had this first time experience in my life. Sitting in a BMW convertible, with the roof open in Malaysia! Wow.. even when I was in Aussie I never had that chance. I always thought it is cool to sit in that kinda car, I did it today! It was weird to do this in Malaysia, with the concern of road safety and amount of carbon monoxide we're inhaling but what the heck, life's short and I love it!!!!

I will miss everything

I was calling talents and booking them for recording, running around for scripts and looked busy. Well I was at that time. Suddenly a talent asked me will I miss what I'm doing now after I left the company? I answered no but actually, I will.

I'll miss the "busyness", the people and the place of course. I don't know if I'm gonna have this kind of homely office in the future and most of all, I don't know how's my next jobs is gonna be like.

I have so many question marks in my head and I just wish someone could clear it up for me. So many uncertainties in my life now and I don't like this feeling. I don't know if its all worth it.. I really don't know.

Friday night

I'm wondering.. Is it normal to stay at home on a Friday night and plus tomorrow is a public holiday? Maybe age is catching up, I don't feel like staying out late. Shit. I could have a night with nice food and entertainment but instead I chose to went take away and stay home and have my own peace. So not normal..

Anyway, I forgot to update since my last post haha.. Totally, completely, absolutely forgotten.

My last day would be end of this month. End of June. Yayyyyyy. I don't know why I'm so happy at seriously cos I'd be jobless and that means no income and that means I can only live on my savings. Sometimes I'm not sure if I made the right choice but since all is done, I'll go with the flow.

Tentatively, my plan for July would be travelling. Hehe.. I'll be in Singapore, KL and Melbourne. I'll be heading to HK for maybe 2 months in August. Actually I know what's gonna happen next, my bf is gonna propose and I'll say yes and then we'll be getting married! So predictable ya.. no surprise.. We even talked about when to sign the papers and when the actual wedding is gonna be held. We sorta skipped the propose part first because we're in 2 different places. I can't really expect him to fly over for 1 day just to propose and fly back. Economically, it's a waste of money but honestly, it would be great if he did haha..

I guess for the next 1 year I'll be travelling alot because of the wedding. It's my own wedding and I can't expect my family to do it for me, right? That just gives me more reason to come back.. We wanted to get the R.O.M done in January in HK but right now I cannot announce yet cos he hasn't propose and the KL wedding will be in May and HK side in June but that's all what we think.. For now, I shall say nothing first.. =P

Updates - Family

So many things happened lately and every time when I have the urge to blog, something came up and I always put this blog at the last of my list. Now I'm here blogging from work, maybe this is the best time to blog.

First thing first. I'm an aunty now! Lil Jack has arrived in this world on the 17th of April. That explains why I was busy, running around the hospital, helping mum to do house work, etc etc. Here's a pic of him.

Jack Nelson Hyrsky

Halt for now

Nothing happened is the problem. I guess I'm starting to get sick of long distance relationship. I know, how can I do it all these years? I'm sure I changed a lil, so did he. I got lesser and lesser topic to talk to you and forgot how to make you laugh anymore. Maybe this is the too-long-didnt-see sickness. 4 months.

People always said if 2 person has been in a relationship for sometime, its either they get married and move on the next level or thats it. Its so unfair to me. I can't just give up now. And I can't force someone to marry me and kept pushing him if he's not ready. Before that I thought, wow I'm so ready to take this relationship to a new chapter of my life, but I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and now I decided to stop waiting. I'll just enjoy myself with my life until the day you are ready. Who knows if that day will come or not.

The reason I'm getting impatient is because I don't see why we can't. After all the book about one month to live, the more I wanna cherish every moment. There's no such thing as ready. What I believe is if that 2 person is really in love, then anything is possible. If we'll have to wait till everything is ready, some things will be different. Maybe he don't get it and want things to be perfect but I decided to keep my mouth shut, just to have the little bit of pride to myself.

The moral of the story is don't hope too much. That'll make you feel better.

Inspiration

Today is one of the emo day. Normally rainy days will make me emo but this time, a recording. I was recording this personal album of a 50 years old lady which has super nice and warm voice and she sang lots of old songs. After she sang the song light of my life, she cried in the booth while explaining why she chose this as one of the song in the album. It reminds her of her father. Actually when she was crying, I wanted to because it makes me very emo. I was holding my tears and was sobbing but no one knew.

It makes me wonder what if I'm at her position and everyone will have that moment because people can't be with you forever. That's just life. It makes me treasure the people around me even more so that we live with lesser regrets in our lives. Though that's what I've been doing, spending time with family and friends whenever I can because we'll never know when's the next time we'll see them.

Lately I've been having lots of deep thoughts about death. I got this book few weeks back by Kerry & Chris Shook - One month to live. I haven't read the book yet but I think it should be nice and hope I'll be inspired by then. =)

These few days I've been so obsessed with Mousehunt, the game in facebook which I need to catch some mouse using different traps and cheese. Maybe it was my luck, I didn't get anything at all. I played this game since last year and there are giveaways events such as new year, valentines and now, their first anniversary which you can win cash. Nothing since last year. I got so angry and kept complaining to everyone with all the why and why and more whys.

I then come to a conclusion when the event finally ends. In life, we don't get what we wanted so easily, same as this game. I really shouldn't be so obssesed with it. It's just a game afterall. If I get it, I get it. If I don't, accept it and stop making as if they hate me or something.

Enough of the emo and so-called "inspired" post. Time to shower and have some good sleep since I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days because of the obsession.

我把自己弄丢了

有时候写着日记，感觉自己在对着自己说话。
说一些无所谓的话给自己听，也是为了纪念某些可以遗弃的旧记忆。
一直都觉得没人能读懂我，心可以孤独地活着。
当个心灵的独舞者，一路奔放就不会牵牵绊绊。

写字其实是孤独的，因为不想言诉，所以选择无言，化成文字。
彼时的情，此时的忆，挥落在尘土散去的空间，我迷惘的双眼看不见自己的灵魂在飞舞，听不见心与心之间的对话，感觉不到眼与眼之间的瞬间，我把自己弄丢了。

Zorbing

It all started with an invitation in facebook and the next thing I did was send out to all friends that I thought would be interested. It requires us to pay in advance in order to play this zorb thing and so we did haha.. It's only RM40 compared to NZD45.. so wtf.. just do it!

Last Saturday, I gave my first time to Zorb. It took place in Gemas Golf resort. I woke up at 6am and we meet up the rest at the Sg. Besi toll. It took us 2 freaking hours to reach there but it was all worth it.

Prior to this roll down the slope, we finally know how it feels like to be Rhino the hamster in Bolt the movie.

Inflating the ball.....

The 2 hamsters wanna be..

11am. It's hot like oven inside.

If I didn't pay any cash for this I would have chicken out. The more I see the ball roll before my turn, my heart beats even faster. The moment I was in the ball I told myself that IF YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. And so I did. I'm so pround of myself hahaaa...